Is Being “Safe” the Best Course of Action?

For a few years now, I’ve been at somewhat of a standstill on my quest to discover God’s desire for my sexuality.  I grew up believing that any type of same-sex relationship, love, or physical intimacy was inherently sinful.  It seemed to obviously say so in scripture and that was the belief that virtually every Christian I knew held so there was no reason to ponder it.  When I started to identify as gay and explore how this might influence my life and God’s calling for it, I did a lot of reading, research, podcast listening, praying and so forth and found many compelling arguments that the Bible had nothing (positive or negative) to say about a loving, committed relationship between two people of the same sex.  I won’t go through it all here, but if you Google Matthew Vines, read chapter 14 of Justin Lee’s book “Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays vs Christians Debate,” or read one of Justin’s posts here, you can get a good idea of that viewpoint.  However, believing that the Bible doesn’t address this issue didn’t make me feel that I was now free to pursue a relationship with a man.  For one, it’s hard to change a belief you’ve held for decades and that is still solidly held by a majority of the Church.  Also, it seemed to me that if I were really pursuing God, I shouldn’t be concerned with fulfilling my own desires, but rather with trying to live a holy life and to please Him with my every action.  As a result, I’d come to the conclusion that whatever the Bible did or didn’t say about committed same-sex relationships, it would be better, safer, to remain at very least celibate, if not single.

Recently, however, I have been listening to the aforementioned book by Justin Lee and found that the chapter in which he talks about Biblical arguments for and against same-sex relationships spoke directly to this view of being on the “safe side.”  Justin uses a passage from Galations 5 in which Paul speaks against circumcision for Gentiles to address this issue of being “safe.”  In Galations 5:2-6, Paul writes:

Mark my words! I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised,Christ will be of no value to you at all. Again I declare to every man who lets himself be circumcised that he is obligated to obey the whole law. You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Lee believes this idea, that to put ourselves under the law which Christ fulfilled through His death on the cross is rejecting the gift of His suffering, can also be applied to trying to live by other Old Testament laws including the laws forbidding a man to lie with another man as with a woman.  The thought is that this law may have been one of the cultural laws meant specifically to set God’s chosen people apart and that it is no longer necessary for Christians today.  The argument that we can ignore this law isn’t new to me, but the thought that I might be offending God by pre-occupying myself with it was something I’d never considered.  In order to do my due diligence, I decided to study the rest of Galations 5.  Verses 5:13-14 say:

13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Here, Paul is echoing his words to the Romans (13:9-10) where he says that all of the laws that must be kept can be addressed by loving our neighbors.  He does place one stipulation, though, which is that we shouldn’t indulge “the flesh.”  The question then becomes, what is meant by the flesh?  Luckily, despite claiming that the answer is obvious, Paul explains what he means in verses 19-21:

19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

OK, now we’re getting somewhere.  Sexual immorality is an “act of the flesh” so that could be a sticking point, but does all sexuality between two people of the same sex constitute sexual immorality?  I looked up the Greek word used here (porneia πορνεία) which Strong’s Concordance translates as “fornication, whoredom” (whoredom is a  fun word, isn’t it?) and HELPS Word-Studies describes as “a selling off (surrendering) of sexual purity; promiscuity of any (every) type.”  It seems like all too often, the Bible uses the term we’re trying to define in the definition.  “Avoid sexual immorality by being sexual pure.”  Well, that’s not a lot of help here, but since that’s not really the point of this post, I’m going to refer back to Justin Lee and Matthew Vines for the rest of that argument and instead ask, what if I were in a committed celibate relationship with another man?  If we’re not having sex, it can’t possibly sexually immoral, right?  However, at that point, I fear that I, personally, might still have an issue with Paul’s prohibition against idolatry.  Now, I’m not likely to start bowing down and worshiping a guy that I was in a relationship with, but considering how strong my vague desire for a partner in my life is now, if I had a flesh and blood person in front of me to be the object of that desire and he desired me back, I don’t think  I can say with any certainty that it wouldn’t veer into idolatry territory.  On the other hand, though, I think this begs the question: Are gay relationships more prone to this kind of behavior than straight ones?  Many people have suggested that aside from having our attractions aimed at the same sex, gay people also love differently.  Whether or not this is true, I don’t think we’ll ever know since it’s pretty impossible to compare the intensity and quality of a person’s love.  Before I wrap this up, I want to jump back up to verses 16-18 where Paul says:

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[c] you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

So, it sounds like Paul is claiming that by walking in the Spirit, we can avoid the desires of the flesh.  The desires of the flesh and those of the Spirit are contrary to each other.  So then, it seems the best course of action is to allow myself to be led by the Spirit and hope that this desire I have for male companionship will somehow reveal itself to be of Spirit so that I can pursue it or of the flesh so I can reject it once and for all.  I’m still really searching through and studying this so any comments/questions/suggestions/ideas/etc are welcome.

3 thoughts on “Is Being “Safe” the Best Course of Action?

  1. Hey Matthew!
    What I feel God is telling me to tell you is to not look to man’s thoughts on His word. Without His Spirit we are only translating it according to our own perceptions. If you want to know God’s voice, be still and know He is God. He desires you know His fullness and purpose in life. It’s hard when we’ve been rejected or felt misunderstood. He designed us male and female. There is a reason for this. I only say this in love because I know you and I know that there are so many things that can cause us to seek acceptance and love in ways to try to make up for where we are lacking it. I’ve had sex before marriage. I’ve struggled with lusts in my heart that, once I kept choosing to do them, they became justified and easier to keep doing. Living under the law of faith doesn’t mean that I am not susceptible to the repercussions of my decisions. The pain that I’ve undergone because of my decisions, in becoming one with someone I am never going to be committed to, was so immense and the things that it did to my heart and spirit have truly made it difficult when it was not needed. All because I wanted to live by my flesh and not by what I knew, not only mentally, but what the Holy Spirit made clear to my heart. I have learned that if I want to live by the Spirit and hear the Spirit then I need to look to the Spirit and not to the thoughts of men who are not God, nor do they hear Him. And, that, by separating the things I’ve been taught from the things that I hear from within my spirit. I just keep hearing, for you, to be still and know He is God. Just be. Don’t look for an answer from Him anywhere else. His voice is the end-all of all end-all’s. I know that He speaks to you and will continue to give you the peace you desire. You’re His beloved son whom He loves dearly. That love for you is beyond words and His purpose for you is so much bigger than anything else. I hope I helped, in some way, and if you need clarity on something, feel free to ask. Much love,

    • Thanks Billy! Sorry it’s taken so long for me to respond, but I really appreciate what you said. I hear what you’re saying about being led by the Spirit and I’m definitely trying to hear God’s voice and to find His will in the Scriptures. I also hope it’s clear that I’m not trying to justify any actions that I have done or plan to do, but merely looking for answers to questions that are extremely important to my everyday life, not just for how I live, but how I respond to others around me. I’m thankful for your caring words and your willingness to share.

      • Anytime! I know God will lead your thoughts towards His will for you and all of the fullness that He destined and created you for. His word is living because He spoke it. And, when He speaks, it is brought to life! 🙂 Keep being still and just “knowing He is God.” Love you! (Hopefully, I shall see you at the next Game Night!)

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