Expectations, Desires, Hopes, and Fears

After finding Julie Rodgers’ amazing blog which opened me up to so many thoughts and feelings that I had never had before, I was inspired to start a place where I could write down some of my experiences and, hopefully, help people who are going through something similar take solace in the shared experience just as I have with Julie’s site.  I’ve been planning to start writing for a week or two now and I even started a quick outline of somethings to write about, but never got around to it until the events of tonight spurred me on.

Like Julie, I grew up in the Church and eventually found myself struggling between my beliefs and the romantic feelings I had towards those of my same sex.  Also like Julie, I have decided that these feelings are not part of God’s plan for my life and have chosen to remain celibate.  However, unlike Julie, I still cling to the hope that somewhere down the line, there will be a woman I can fall in love with and marry and spend the rest of my life with.

Those hope rose higher than they had in a long time when I was setup with the friend of a friend and we actually had a real date (the first I’d ever had).  I was ecstatic that the date seemed to go well and we agreed that we should do it again sometime.  But as time went on and more and more plans fell through, my hope started to wain until tonight when they were put to rest.  I finally received confirmation that she’s not interested in a relationship and that’s that.

I’m glad she was honest with me instead of letting me hope and wonder and bounce around between a dozen different emotions.  I really do believe that it’s better to know than to be kept in the dark, but at the same time, there’s still a crushing sense of sadness and despair that comes along with it.  I feel like I was given a finite amount of hope regarding my romantic future and every time something like this happens, a little more of it drains away.  In addition to the pain and hopeless I feel each time a potential relationship doesn’t work out, I also feel bad for the person on the other end being put in the uncomfortable position of ending it.  After each time something like this has happened, I go through a period where I tell myself that if it’s in God’s plan, it’ll happen and I just need to be patient, but after some time has passed, I start to think that maybe I just need to put myself out there and it’ll happen.  I really wish I just knew for sure what God had in store for me.  I definitely have a preference, but I think, at this point, I would rather hear a definitive no than to wallow in this constant place of not knowing.

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